• In truth, when we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things:
  1. We can avoid them.
  2. We can face them and handle them poorly.
  3. We can face them and handle them well.

• Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power: the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.
• The Law of Crucial Conversations
  • At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well.
  • the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.
• Here are just a few examples of these fascinating findings.
  1. Kick-Start Your Career
     • individuals who are the most influential—who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships—are those who master their crucial conversations.
     • high performers know how to stand up to the boss without committing career suicide.
     • People who routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard.
  2. Improve Your Organization
     • More often than not, the world changes when people have to deal with a very risky issue and either do it poorly or do it well.
       • Silence kills. (Nurse and doctor)
       • Silence fails. (people work in silos.)
         • The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold five specific crucial conversations.
           • For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic?
           • Or did they go silent when a cross-functional team member began sloughing off?
           • Or even more tricky—what should they do when an executive failed to provide leadership for the effort?
     • Companies with employees who are skilled at crucial conversations:
       • Respond five times faster to financial downturns—and make budget adjustments far more intelligently than less-skilled peers (Research Study: Financial Agility).
       • Are two-thirds more likely to avoid injury and death due to unsafe conditions (Research Study: Silent Danger).
       • Save over $1,500 and an eight-hour workday for every crucial conversation employees hold rather than avoid (Research Study: The Costs of Conflict Avoidance).
       • Substantially increase trust and reduce transaction costs in virtual work teams. Those who can’t handle their crucial conversations suffer in thirteen different ways (backstabbing, gossip, undermining, passive aggression, etc.) as much as three times more often in virtual teams than in colocated teams (Research Study: Long-Distance Loathing).
       • Influence change in colleagues who are bullying, conniving, dishonest, or incompetent. When over 4,000 respondents were asked, 93 percent of them said that, in their organization, people like this are almost “untouchable”—staying in their position four years or longer without being held accountable (Research Study: Corporate Untouchables).
     • Most leaders get it wrong.
       • They think that organizational productivity and performance are simply about policies, processes, structures, or systems.
         • So when their software product doesn’t ship on time, they benchmark others’ development processes.
         • Or when productivity flags, they tweak their performance management system.
         • When teams aren’t cooperating, they restructure.
       • these types of nonhuman changes fail more often than they succeed.
       • the real problem never was in the process, system, or structure—it was in employee behavior.
         • The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.
         • And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.
       • The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.
         • In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred.
         • In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems.
         • In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position.
  3. Improve Your Relationships
     • when you ask the average person what causes couples to break up, he or she usually suggests that it’s due to differences of opinion.
     • In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It’s how you argue that matters.
     • people fall into three categories—
       • those who digress into threats and name-calling,
       • those who revert to silent fuming,
       • those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively.
     • helping couples learn to hold crucial conversations more effectively reduced the chance of unhappiness or breakup by more than half!
  4. Improve Your Personal Health
     • the ability to master high-stakes discussions is a key to a healthier and longer life
     • Immune systems.
       • immune systems of couples who had been married an average of forty-two years by comparing those who argued constantly with those who resolved their differences effectively.
       • Those who routinely failed their crucial conversations had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well.
     • Life-threatening diseases.
       • the subjects who learned how to express themselves effectively had a higher survival rate
       • the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health.
         • In some cases the impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems.
         • In others it results in disaster.
         • In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off.
• SUMMARY
  • As we learn how to step up to crucial conversations—and handle them well—with one set of high-leverage skills we can influence virtually every domain of our lives.

di·a·logue or di·a·log (dì´ ∂-lôg´´,-lòg) n The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

• When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
  • At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information.
  • People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.
  • They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.
• It’s the one thing that, and precisely what, (Kevin and the other) extremely effective communicators we studied were routinely able to achieve.
• how does this free flow of meaning lead to success?
• what can you do to encourage meaning to flow freely? (the rest of the book)

• The skills required to master high-stakes interactions are quite easy to spot and moderately easy to learn.

the tools people use to help create the conditions of dialogue.

how to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance.

the tools for talking, listening, and acting together.

the key skills of talking, listening, and acting together.

tie all of the theories and skills together by providing both a model and an extended example.

master the tools for talking when stakes are high.

• Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—a fact that we usually miss.
• So the first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.
  • It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress.
  • Which is why it’s no surprise that those who are best at dialogue tend to turn this logic around.
  • They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”

• More often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we’re experiencing.
• People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle “Work on me first, us second.” They realize
  1. not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach,
  2. but also that they’re the only person they can work on anyway.
     • As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.

• Skilled people Start with Heart.
  1. begin high-risk discussions with the right motives,
  2. stay focused no matter what happens.
• They maintain this focus in two ways.
  1. they’re steely eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want.
  2. skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices

• When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
  • Winning.
    • This desire to win is built into our very fiber before we’re old enough to know what’s going on.
    • This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists.
  • Punishing.
    • Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person.
  • Keeping the peace.
    • Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue.
    • We’re so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.

• Refocus your brain.
  • Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part.
    • When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide.
  • In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself—much like an outsider.
    • Ask yourself: “What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?”
    • when you name the game, you can stop playing it.
  • Stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue.
    • What do I really want for myself?
    • What do I really want for others?
    • What do I really want for the relationship?
  • Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
• There are two good reasons for asking these questions.
  1. the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. (Find your bearings.)
     • Despite the fact that we’re being tempted to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hard wiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win,
     • our North Star returns us to our original purpose.
  2. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. (Take charge of your body.)
     • As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats.
     • When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

• Fortunately, when you refuse the Fool’s Choice—when you require your brain to solve the more complex problem—more often than not, it does just that.
• You’ll find there is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others, and build the relationship—all at the same time.
• And the results can be life changing.

• “Are you saying there isn’t anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relationships?” There usually is.

Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.

• Work on Me First, Us Second
  • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.
• Focus on What You Really Want
  • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.
  • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”
  • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”
  • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”
• Refuse the Fool’s Choice
  • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.
  • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.
  • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and.
  • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

• It takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for and then actually see it.
• It helps to watch for three different conditions:
  1. the moment a conversation turns crucial
  2. signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence)
  3. your own Style Under Stress

• To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a crucial conversation.
  1. physical
     • their stomach gets tight
     • their eyes get dry.
  2. emotional
     • they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings.
  3. behavioral.
     • raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet.
• Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

• People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety.
  • they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.
  • they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.
• When it’s safe, you can say anything.
  • nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear.
    • When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard.
    • When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.
  • On the other hand, if you make it safe enough,
    • you can talk about almost anything and people will listen.
    • you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.
  • people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe.
    • The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.
    • If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it.
    • That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.
  • You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person.
  • On the other hand, if you don’t feel safe, you can’t take any feedback.
    • When you don’t feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.
    • When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind.
      • By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is a risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns.
• Don’t let safety problems lead you astray.
  • Now, since they’re feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: “Hey, they’re feeling unsafe. I need to do something—maybe make it safer.”
    • We’re asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe.
    • We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind.
    • We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.”
• This skill is the pivot point for everything that follows.
• It is also the gateway to gaining all the benefits that come to those who are skilled at crucial conversations.
  • increased influence,
  • enhanced relationships,
  • stronger teams,
  • and more effective leadership.

• the most difficult element to watch closely as you’re madly dual-processing is your own behavior.
• Low self-monitors.
  • we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times.
  • when you fail to monitor your own behavior, you can look pretty silly.

• When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why.
• When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works.
• We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress.
• To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look.
  • Learn to look at content and conditions.
  • Look for when things become crucial.
  • Learn to watch for safety problems.
  • Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
  • Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.

• The key is to step out of the content of the conversation.
• Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said.

• The first step to building safety comes with understanding which of two different conditions of safety is at risk. Each requires a different solution.

• three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use:
  1. Apologize When Appropriate
     1. Start with an apology
        • An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.
        • An apology isn’t really an apology unless you experience a change in heart
          • To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change.
          • You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want
          • You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error.
        • But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable
          1. healthy dialogue
          2. better results.
     2. Next, watch to see if this sincere show of respect has helped restore safety.
        • If it has, you can now explain the details of what happened.
        • If it hasn’t, you’ll need to use one of the more advanced skills.
        • In any case, first make it safe; then return to the issue.
  2. to Fix Misunderstanding
     • When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting.

     • Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:

       the don’t part

       Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.

       the do part

       Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose.

       [The don’t part] “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I
       don’t value the work you put in or that I didn’t want to share it with
       the VP.
       [The do part] I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.”
       

     • Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don’t is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.
     • Contrasting is not apologizing.
       • It is not a way of taking back something we’ve said that hurt others’ feelings.
       • it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have.
     • Contrasting provides context and proportion
       • When you’re in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend.

       • If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify what you don’t and do believe.

         “Let me put this in perspective. I don’t want you to think I’m not
         satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working
         together. I really do think you’re doing a good job. This punctuality
         issue is important to me, and I’d just like you to work on that. If
         you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.”
         

     • Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid

       prevention

       When we’re aware that something we’re about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety—before we see others going to either silence or violence.

       first aid

       When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.

  3. Create a Mutual Purpose
     • The worst at dialogue
       • opt for

         competition

         either ignore the problem and push ahead

         submission

         or roll over and let others have their way

       • Both strategies end up making winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation
     • The good at dialogue
       • move immediately toward compromise
       • While compromise is sometimes necessary, the best know better than to start there.
     • The best at dialogue
       • Use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose (CRIB)

         1. Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

            • Start with Heart - How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want
            • In this case, you have to agree to agree
            • We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share.
            • This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to
              1. suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want.
              2. open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.
              3. be willing to verbalize this commitment even when our partner seems committed to winning

            “It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I
            commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that
            satisfies both of us.”
            

         2. Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy
            • We confuse wants or purpose with strategies
              • We think we'll never find a way out because we equate what we're asking for with what we actually want
              • In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want.
            • Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people’s real purposes are.
            • When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible.
         3. Invent a Mutual Purpose
            • When you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose, you'll have to actively invent one
            • To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals.
              • Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides
              • By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you often find ways to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and return to dialogue.
         4. Brainstorm New Strategies
            • If you’ve committed to finding something everyone can support and surfaced what you really want,
              • you’ll no longer be spending your energy on unproductive conflict.
              • Instead, you’ll be actively coming up with options that can serve everyone.
            • If you’re not willing to give creativity a try, it’ll be impossible for you to jointly come up with a mutually acceptable option. If you are, the sky’s the limit.
• BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!
  • Don’t overwhelm yourself by insisting that you think and act this clearly and professionally during every heated and emotional conversation.
  • Merely consider whether you could think a little more clearly during a few crucial conversations.
  • Remember, when it comes to these high-stakes conversations, a little progress can produce a lot of benefit.
  • Finally, as is the case with most complicated problems, don’t aim for perfection. Aim for progress.

• Step Out
  • When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.
• Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk
  • Mutual Purpose.
    • Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation?
    • Do they trust your motives?
  • Mutual Respect.
    • Do others believe you respect them?
• Apologize When Appropriate
  • When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.
• Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
  • When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.
• Create a Mutual Purpose
  • When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose:
    1. Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.
    2. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
    3. Invent a Mutual Purpose.
    4. Brainstorm new strategies.

No matter who is doing the button pushing, some people tend to react more explosively than others—and to the same stimulus, no less. Why is that?

• two rather bold (and sometimes unpopular) claims.
  1. You and only you create your emotions.
     • Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog.
     • They are not foisted upon you by others.
  2. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options:
     1. act on them (find a way to master them)
     2. be acted on by them (fall hostage to them)
• The worst at dialogue fall into the trap that their emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances.
  • The worst at dialogue fall hostage to their emotions,
  • and they don’t even know it.
• The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, matters will get worse.
  • So they try something else.
    • They fake it.
    • They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue.
  • Unfortunately, once these emotionally choked folks hit a rough spot in a crucial conversation, their suppressed emotions come out of hiding.
• The best at dialogue do something completely different. they act on their emotions.
  • when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out.
  • As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.
  • This, of course, is easier said than done.

Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

• Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on.
  • They’re our interpretations of the facts.
  • They help explain what we see and hear.
  • They’re theories we use to explain why, how, and what.
  • our emotions are directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.
• Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories.
  • Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast.
  • You may not remember it, but you tell a story.
• Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.
• If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.
  • We can tell different stories and break the loop.
  • In fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.

The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action.

1. Retrace Your Path
   • First you have to stop what you’re currently doing. Then you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it.
   • How
     1. [Act] Notice your behavior. Am I in some form of silence or violence?
        • looking isn’t enough. You must take an honest look at what you’re doing.
        • When an unhelpful story is driving you to silence or violence, stop and consider how others would see your actions.
        • Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they’re slipping into silence or violence, but they’re also able to admit it.
          • They don’t wallow in self-doubt, of course,
          • but they do recognize the problem and begin to take corrective action.
     2. [Feel] Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
        • identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine.
          • In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate.
        • Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.
        • When experiencing strong emotions,
          • do you stop and think about your feelings? If so, do you use a rich vocabulary？
          • do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside of you?
          • in so doing, is your vocabulary robust and accurate?
     3. [Tell story] Analyze your stories. What story is creating these emotions?
        • Question your feelings and stories.
          • The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances.
          • By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories.
        • Don’t confuse stories with facts.
          • You confuse subjective conclusions with steel-hard data points.
        • The facts could mean just about anything.
     4. [See/hear] Get back to the facts. What evidence do I have to support this story?
        • Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.
          • Test your ideas against a simple criterion:
            • Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact?
            • Was it an actual behavior?
        • Spot the story by watching for “hot” words.
          • They express judgments and attributions that, in turn, create strong emotions.
          • They are story, not fact.
   • By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.
2. Watch for Three “Clever” Stories
   • with time and experience we become quite good at coming up with explanations that serve us well.
     • Either our stories are completely accurate and propel us in healthy directions,
     • or they’re quite inaccurate but justify our current behavior—making us feel good about ourselves and calling for no need to change.
   • We call these imaginative and self-serving concoctions “clever stories.”
     • They’re clever because they allow us to feel good about behaving badly.
     • Better yet, they allow us to feel good about behaving badly even while achieving abysmal results.
   • we tend to tell our stories in three very predictable ways.
     1. —“It’s Not My Fault”
        • The theme is always the same.
          • The other person is bad, wrong, or dumb, and we are good, right, or brilliant.
          • Other people do bad or stupid things, and we suffer as a result.
        • Within most crucial conversations, when you tell a Victim Story,
          • you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem.
          • You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might have contributed to the problem.
        • To help support your Victim Stories you speak of nothing but your noble motives.
        • Then you tell yourself that you’re being punished for your virtues, not your vices.
     2. —“It’s All Your Fault”
        • In Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity.
        • We automatically assume the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence while ignoring any possible good or neutral intentions or skills a person may have.
        • Labeling is a common device in Villain Stories.
        • Not only do Villain Stories help us blame others for bad results, but they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the “villains.”
          • After all, we can feel okay insulting or abusing a bonehead—whereas we might have to be more careful with a living, breathing person.
          • Then when we fail to get the results we really want, we stay stuck in our ineffective behavior because, after all, look who we’re dealing with!
        • Watch for the double standard.
          • When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure.
          • On the other hand, when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us.
     3. —“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”
        • In these fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful.
        • We convince ourselves that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament, which justifies the action we’re about to take.
        • While Villian and Victim Stories look back to explain why we’re in the situation we’re in, Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation.
        • It’s particularly easy to act helpless when we turn others’ behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits.
          • Helpless Stories often stem from Villain Stories and typically offer us nothing more than Fool’s Choices
   • Why We Tell Clever Stories
     • Clever stories match reality.
       • Sometimes the stories we tell are accurate.
       • It’s not common, but it can happen.
     • Clever stories get us off the hook.
       • they conveniently excuse us from any responsibility—when, in reality, we have been partially responsible.
       • However, if we can make others out as wrong and ourselves out as right, we’re off the hook.
       • Better yet, once we’ve demonized others, we can even insult and abuse them if we want.
     • Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts.
       • Our need to tell clever stories often starts with our own sellouts.
       • we usually don’t begin telling stories that justify our actions until we have done something that we feel a need to justify.1
       • We sell out when we consciously act against our own sense of what’s right.
       • And after we’ve sold out, we have only two choices:
         • own up to our sellout,
         • try to justify it.
       • if we don’t admit to our errors, we inevitably look for ways to justify them.
       • You didn’t start telling clever stories until after you failed to do something you knew you should have done.
         • You got upset because you sold out.
         • And the clever story helped you feel good about being rude.
       • Sellouts are often not big events.
         • In fact, they can be so small that they’re easy for us to overlook when we’re crafting our clever stories.
         • Here are some common ones:
           • You believe you should help someone, but don’t.
           • You believe you should apologize, but don’t.
           • You believe you should stay late to finish up on a commitment, but go home instead.
           • You say yes when you know you should say no, then hope no one follows up to see if you keep your commitment.
           • You believe you should talk to someone about concerns you have with him or her, but don’t.
           • You do less than your share and think you should acknowledge it, but say nothing knowing no one else will bring it up either.
           • You believe you should listen respectfully to feedback, but become defensive instead.
           • You see problems with a plan someone presents and think you should speak up, but don’t.
           • You fail to complete an assignment on time and believe you should let others know, but don’t.
           • You know you have information a coworker could use, but keep it to yourself.
         • Even small sellouts like these get us started telling clever stories.
           • When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing.
           • We tell a clever story when we want self-justification more than results.
             • Of course, self-justification is not what we really want,
             • but we certainly act as if it is.
3. Tell the Rest of the Story
   • The dialogue-smart recognize that they’re telling clever stories, stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story.
   • A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue.
   • What transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story.
     • That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete.
     • Clever stories omit crucial information
       • about us,
       • about others,
       • about our options.
     • Only by including all of these essential details can clever stories be transformed into useful ones.
   • What’s the best way to fill in the missing details? Quite simply, it’s done by turning victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into the able.
     1. Turn victims into actors.
        • ask:
          • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
        • Maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem.
        • Instead of being a victim, you were an actor.
        • By asking what role you’ve played, you begin to realize how selective your perception has been.
     2. • ask:
          • Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
        • This particular question humanizes others.
          • As we search for plausible answers to it, our emotions soften.
          • Empathy often replaces judgment,
          • and depending upon how we’ve treated others, personal accountability replaces self-justification.
        • The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories and emotions.
          • It provides us with still another tool for working on ourselves first by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.
        • In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us.
        • When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue—the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives.
     3. Turn the helpless into the able.
        • ask:
          • What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?
          • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results? (To kill the Fool's Choice)
        • What should you be doing instead? Openly, honestly, and effectively discussing the problem—not taking potshots and then justifying yourself.
        • When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness.

• Retrace Your Path
  • Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. Am I in some form of silence or violence?
  • Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
  • Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story. What story is creating these emotions?
  • Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. What evidence do I have to support this story?
  • Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list.
• Tell the Rest of the Story. Ask:
  • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
  • Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
  • What do I really want?
  • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

• Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we’re about to pour into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
• When the topic turns from things to people, it’s always more difficult, and to nobody’s surprise, some people are better at it than others.
• When it comes to sharing touchy information,
  • the worst alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool of meaning and saying nothing at all.
  • Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those who are good at dialogue say some of what’s on their minds, but they understate their views out of fear of hurting others.
  • The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well.
    1. Totally frank
    2. Completely respectful

How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Actually, it can be done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients—confidence, humility, and skill.

1. Confidence.
   • Most people simply won’t hold delicate conversations—well, at least not with the right person.
   • People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it.
     • They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning.
     • They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.
2. Humility.
   • Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to win their way. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.
3. Skill.
   • They don’t make a Fool’s Choice, because they’ve found a path that allows for both candor and safety.

• despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect.
  • you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations.
  • what should you do?
    1. Start with heart
    2. Master your story
    3. Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills () that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics.
       • THE "WHAT" SKILLS (describe what to do)
         • Share your facts
         • Tell your story
         • Ask for others’ paths
       • THE "HOW" SKILLS (tell how to do it)
         • Talk tentatively
         • Encourage testing

• Another communication challenge: step into an argument and advocate your point of view
• Unfortunately, as stakes rise and others argue differing views—and you just know in your heart of hearts that you’re right and they’re wrong—you start pushing too hard.

When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

Share your facts

Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.

Tell your story

Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.

Ask for others’ paths

Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.

Talk tentatively

State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact.

Encourage testing

Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

• Make It Safe - How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything
• One more skill: Explore Others' Paths

1. Agree
   • Violent agreement
     • They actually agree on every important point, but they're still fighting
     • They've found a way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate
     • You had to step back and listen to what you were both saying to realize that you weren't really disagreeing, but violently agreeing
   • Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over.
     • And while it’s true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn’t start there.
     • Start with an area of agreement.
   • Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.
2. Build
   • The reason most of us turn agreements into debates is because we disagree with a certain portion of what the other person has said.
   • We’re trained to look for minor errors from an early age.
     • we learn in kindergarten that if you have the right answer, you’re the teacher’s pet. Being right is good.
     • Of course, if others have the right answer they get to be the pet. So being right first is even better.
     • You learn to look for even the tiniest of errors in others’ facts, thinking, or logic. Then you point out the errors. Being right at the expense of others is best.
   • When you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, they’re looking for points of agreement.
     • As a result, they’ll often start with the words “I agree.”
     • Then they talk about the part they agree with.
     • Rather than saying: “Wrong. You forgot to mention . . .,” they say: “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that. . .”
   • If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build.
     1. Point out areas of agreement,
     2. and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
3. Compare
   • if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s
     • rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ.
       • He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story.
       • For now, you just know that the two of you differ.
     • instead of pronouncing “Wrong!”, start with a tentative but candid opening, such as “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.”
     • Then share your path using the STATE skills

1. To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety.
2. Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins.

   Ask

   Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.

   Mirror

   Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.

   Paraphrase

   As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking.

   Prime

   If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.

3. As you begin to share your views, remember:

   Agree

   Agree when you share views.

   Build

   If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build.

   Compare

   When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.

• The two riskiest times in crucial conversations

  the beginning

  you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry

  the end

  if you aren't careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations

• Two problems with decision making?
  1. People may not understand how decisions are going to be made.
  2. No decision gets made
     • ideas slip away and dissipate
     • people can't figure out what to do with them
     • everyone is waiting for everyone else to make the decisions

• Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision making.
  • Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool.
  • simply because everyone is allowed to share their meaning—actually encouraged to share their meaning—doesn’t mean they are then guaranteed to take part in making all the decisions.
  • To avoid violated expectations, separate dialogue from decision making.
• Make it clear how decisions will be made— who will be involved and why.
• When the line of authority is clear
  • When you’re in a position of authority, you decide which method of decision making you’ll use.
  • It’s part of their responsibility as leaders
• When the line of authority isn't clear
  • deciding how to decide can be quite difficult
  • use your best dialogue skills to get meaning into the pool.
  • Jointly decide how to decide.

• To avoid common traps, make sure you consider the following four elements:

  1. Who?

     Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.

     • When it's time to pass out assignments, remember, there is no "we."
       • "We," when it comes to assignments, actually means, "not me."
       • Even when individuals are not trying to duck an assignment, the term "we" can lead them to believe that others are taking on the responsibility.
     • Assign a name to every responsibility
       • This especially applies at home.
       • If you assign two or three people to take on a task, appoint one of them the responsible party.
         • Otherwise, any sense of responsibility will be lost in a flurry of finger-pointing later on.
  2. Does what?
     • Be sure to spell out the exact deliverables you have in mind
     • The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment
     • Better to spend the time up front clarifying exactly what you want rather than waste resources and hurt feelings on the back end.
     • To help clarify deliverables, use Contrasting.
       • If you’ve seen people misunderstand an assignment in the past, explain the common mistake as an example of what you don’t want.
       • If possible, point to physical examples.
         • Rather than talk in the abstract, bring a prototype or sample.
  3. By when?
     • With vague or unspoken deadlines, other urgencies come up, and the assignment finds its way to the bottom of the pile, where it is soon forgotten.
     • Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action.
     • Goals without deadlines aren’t goals; they’re merely directions.
  4. How will you follow up?
     • Always agree on how often and by what method you’ll follow up on the assignment.
     • Remember, if you want people to feel accountable, you must give them an opportunity to account
     • Build an expectation for follow-up into every assignment.

One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds

• Don’t leave your hard work to memory
• Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments.
• Remember to record who does what by when
• Revisit your notes at key times (usually the next meeting) and review assignments.
• As you review what was supposed to be completed, hold people accountable.
  • When someone fails to deliver on a promise, it’s time for dialogue
  • STATE My Path - How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively
  • By holding people accountable,
    1. not only do you increase their motivation and ability to deliver on promises,
    2. but you create a culture of integrity.

Turn your successful crucial conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction.

1. Decide How to Decide

   Command

   Decisions are made without involving others.

   Consult

   Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides.

   Vote

   An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision.

   Consensus

   Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision.

2. Finish Clearly
   • Determine who does what by when.
   • Make the deliverables crystal clear.
   • Set a follow-up time.
   • Record the commitments and then follow up.
   • Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

• Generally speaking, a vast majority of these problems go away if they’re privately, respectfully, and firmly discussed.
• If you put up with this behavior for too long, you’ll be inclined to tell a more and more potent Villain Story about the offender.
• If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversation, most problem behavior will stop.

• Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate for the rest of their marriage.
• This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE Your Path.
• When something bothers you, catch it early.
• Contrasting can also help.
• Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make It Safe.
  • When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss.
  • Think harder about your approach.
  • Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.
• When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback,
  • they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach.
  • They miss out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively.

• The Danger Point
  • The worst teams walk away from problems like these.
  • In good teams, the boss eventually deals with problem behavior.
  • In the best teams, every team member is part of the system of accountability
    • If team members see others violate a team agreement, they speak up immediately and directly.
    • It’s dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.
• The Solution
  • If your teammate isn’t doing what you think he or she should, it’s up to you to speak up.
  • When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives,
    • they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn’t live up to the agreement.
    • Success does not depend on perfect compliance with new expectations, but on teammates who hold crucial conversations with one another when others appear to be reverting to old patterns.

• The Danger Point
  • When leaders face deference—or what feels like kissing up—they typically make one of two mistakes.
    1. they misdiagnose the cause (fear)
       1. Often, leaders are causing the fear but denying it.
          • Learn to Look - How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk
       2. Often, people treat their leaders like celebrities or dictators, regardless of the fact that they’ve done nothing to deserve it.
    2. they try to banish deference with a brash command.
       • If you don’t say something, it’ll probably continue.
       • If you do say something, you may be inadvertently encouraging it to continue.
• The Solution
  • Work on me first
    • Discover your part in the problem
    • Don't ask your direct reports.
      • If they're already deferring to you, they'll whitewash the problem.
      • Consult with a peer who watches you in action.
    • Ask for honest feedback
      • Are you doing things that cause people to defer to you?
      • If so, what?
    • Jointly develop a plan of attack, work on it, and seek continued feedback.
  • If the problem stems from ghosts (the actions of previous leaders), go public.
    • Describe the problem in a group or team meeting and then ask for advice.
    • Reward risk takers. Encourage Testing.
      • When people do express an opinion contrary to yours, thank them for their honesty.
      • Play devil’s advocate.
    • If you need to, leave the room. Give people some breathing space.

• The Danger Point
  • People often assume that trust is something you have or don’t have.
  • Trust doesn’t have to be universally offered.
    • In truth, it’s usually offered in degrees and is very topic specific.
    • It also comes in two flavors
      1. motive
      2. ability
• Solution
  • Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person.
    • When it comes to regaining trust in others, don’t set the bar too high.
      • Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues.
    • To Make It Safe for yourself in the moment, bring up your concerns
    • Tentatively STATE what you see happening
    • If they play games, call them on it
  • Don't use your mistrust as a club to punish people.
    • If they’ve earned your mistrust in one area, don’t let it bleed over into your overall perception of their character.
    • If you tell yourself a Villain Story that exaggerates others’ untrustworthiness, you’ll act in ways that help them justify themselves in being even less worthy of your trust.
    • You’ll start up a self-defeating cycle and get more of what you don’t want.

• The Danger Point
  • It’s common to blame others for not wanting to stay in dialogue as if it were some kind of genetic disorder.
  • If others don’t want to talk about tough issues, it’s because they believe that it won’t do any good.
• The Solution
  • Work on me first.
    • Start with simple challenges
    • Don't go for the really touch issues
    • Do your best to Make It Safe
    • Separate intent from outcome
    • In short, start simply and then bring all your dialogue tools into play.
  • Exercise patience
    • Don't nag
    • Don't lose hope and then go to violence
    • If you’re constantly on your best dialogue behavior, you’ll build more safety in the relationship and your spouse will be more likely to begin picking up on the cues and start coming around.
  • When you see signs of improvement, you can accelerate the growth by inviting your spouse to talk with you about how you talk.
    • Your challenge here is to build safety by establishing a compelling Mutual Purpose.
    • You need to help your partner see a reason for having this conversation—a reason that is so compelling that he or she will be willing to take part.
      1. Share what you think the consequences of having or not having this conversation could be (both positive and negative).
      2. Explain what it means to both you and the relationship.
      3. Then invite your spouse to help identify the topics you have a hard time discussing.
      4. Take turns describing how you both tend to approach these topics.
      5. Then discuss the possible benefits of helping each other make improvements.
    • Sometimes if you can’t talk about the tough topics, you can more easily talk about how you talk—or don’t talk—about them. That helps get things started.

• The Danger Point
  • If people simply bother you at some abstract level, maybe what they’re doing isn’t worthy of a conversation.
  • Perhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance.
  • When actions are both subtle and unacceptable, then you have to retrace your Path to Action and put your finger on exactly what others are doing or you have nothing to discuss.
• The Solution
  1. Retrace your Path to Action to its source.
  2. Identify specific behaviors that are out of bounds and take note.
  3. When you’ve done your homework, consider the behaviors you noted and make sure the story you’re telling yourself about these behaviors is important enough for dialogue.
  4. If it is, then Make It Safe and STATE Your Path.

• The Danger Point
  • Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the absence of a good one.
    • When someone really messes up, leaders and parents alike are compelled to take action.
    • However, when people simply fail to be excellent, it’s hard to know what to say.
• The Solution
  • Establish new and higher expectations
    • 12 Superpower #4: Stretch for Amazing (OKRs empower us to achieve the seemingly impossible.)
    • Don’t deal with a specific instance; deal with the overall pattern.
    • If you want someone to show more initiative, tell him or her.
    • Give specific examples of when the person ran into a barrier and then backed off after a single try.
    • Raise the bar and then make it crystal clear what you’ve done.
    • Jointly brainstorm what the person could have done to be both more persistent and more creative in coming up with a solution.
  • Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone’s lack of initiative.
    1. Have you made yourself responsible for following up? If so, talk with that person about assuming this responsibility.
    2. Have you asked more than one person to take the same assignment so you can be sure it will get done? If so, talk to the person originally assigned about reporting progress to you early so you only need to put someone else on the job when there’s a clear need for more resources.
  • Stop acting out your expectations that others won’t take initiative.
    • Instead, talk your expectations out and come to agreements that place the responsibility on the team members while giving you information early enough that you aren’t left high and dry.

• The Danger Point
  • Some crucial conversations go poorly because you’re having the wrong conversations.
  • If you continue to return to the original problem (coming in late) without talking about the new problem (failing to live up to commitments), you’re stuck in “Groundhog Day.”
  • If you return to the same initial problem, you’re like Bill Murray in the movie—you’re forced to relive the same situation over and over rather than deal with the bigger problem.
  • Nothing ever gets resolved.

• The Solution
  • you shouldn’t let serious problems go unresolved.
  • It’s perfectly okay to suggest that you need some time alone and that you’d like to pick up the discussion later on—say, tomorrow.
• As a side note on this topic, it’s not such a good idea to tell others that they need to calm down or that they need to take some time out.
  • They may need the time, but it’s hard to suggest it without coming off as patronizing.
  • With others, get back to the source of their anger. Retrace their Path to Action.

• It’s easy to be lulled into a series of never-ending excuses—particularly if the other person
  • doesn’t want to do what you’ve asked
  • learns that as long as he or she can give you a plausible reason, all bets are off.
• The Solution
  • With “imaginative” people, take a preemptive strike against all new excuses.
  • Gain a commitment to solve the overall problem, not simply the stated cause.
  • Ask the person to deal with the problem
  • Then remember, as the excuses accumulate, don’t talk about the most recent excuse; talk about the pattern.

• The trouble is, insubordination is so rare that it takes most leaders by surprise.
  • So they buy time to figure out what to do.
  • And in so doing, they let the person get away with something that was way out of line.
  • Worse still, their perceived indifference makes them an accomplice to all future abuses.
• The Solution
  • Show zero tolerance for insubordination.
    • Speak up immediately, but respectfully.
    • Change topics from the issue at hand to how the person is currently acting.
  • Catch the escalating disrespect before it turns into abuse and insubordination.
    • Let the person know that his or her passion for the issue at hand is leading down a dangerous trail.
  • If you can’t catch it early, discuss the insubordination and seek help from HR specialists.

• The Danger Point
  • when we tell ourselves an ugly story and then sit on it, it only gets worse.
  • Stories left unattended don’t get better with time—they ferment.
  • Then, when we eventually can’t take it anymore, we say something we regret.
• The Solution
  1. don’t repress your story. Use your STATE skills early on, before the story turns too ugly.
  2. Set aside a time when you can discuss it in a calm fashion.
     • if you have let the problem build, don’t hold the crucial conversation while angry.
     • Then, using your STATE skills, explain what you’ve seen and heard, and tentatively tell the most simple and least offensive story.
  3. If you do say something horrible, apologize.
     • You can’t unring the bell, but you can apologize.
     • Then STATE Your Path.

• The Danger Point
  • Most people avoid sensitive issues
    • When fear and misapplied compassion rule over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being given information that could be extremely helpful.
    • When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to violence.
  • Also, the longer you go without saying anything, the greater the pain when you finally deliver the message.
• The Solution
  • Use Contrasting
  • Establish Mutual Purpose
    • Let the other person know your intentions are honorable.
    • Also explain that you’re reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person’s effectiveness, you really must.
  • Tentatively describe the problem.
    • Don’t play it up or pile it on.
    • Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solutions.
    • Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly don’t have to be offensive or insulting.

• The Danger Point
  • Not only do these inventive people have the ability to conjure up creative excuses, but they also have the energy and will to do so incessantly.
  • Eventually they wear you down.
  • As a result, they get away with doing less or doing it poorly,
• The Solution
  • Tentatively STATE the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games.
  • Let them know they aren’t fooling anyone.
  • In this case, don’t focus exclusively on actions, because creative people can always find new inappropriate actions,
  • Talk about both behaviors and outcomes.
    • Use previous behavior as an example, and then hold them accountable to results.
    • Don’t get pulled into discussing any one instance. Stick with the pattern.

• The Danger Point
  • Leaders who are constantly being surprised allow it to happen.
    • The first time an employee says, “Sorry, but I ran into a problem,” the leaders miss the point. They listen to the problem, work on it, and then move on to a new topic.
    • In so doing, they are saying: “It’s okay to surprise me. If you have a legitimate excuse, stop what you’re doing, turn your efforts to something else, and then wait until I show up to spring the news.”
• The Solution
  • Make it perfectly clear that once you’ve given an assignment, there are only two acceptable paths.
    1. Employees need to complete the assignment as planned
    2. or if they run into a problem, they need to immediately inform you. (No surprises)
  • Clarify the “no surprises” rule.
    • The first time someone comes back with a legitimate excuse—but he or she didn’t tell you when the problem first came up—deal with this as the new problem.
    • “We agreed that you’d let me know immediately. I didn’t get a call. What happened?”

• The Danger Point
  • When you look at a continuum of dialogue skills, most of us (by definition) fall in the middle.
  • The danger, of course, is that the other person isn’t as bad as you think—you bring out the worst in him or her
  • or that he or she really is that bad, and you try to address all the problems at once.
• The Solution
  • How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
  • Choose your targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions
    1. What bothers you the most?
    2. What might be the easiest to work on?
  • Deal with one element, one day at a time.

• Over the years, people often tell us that the principles and skills contained in this book have helped them a great deal. But how?
  • some people make progress by picking one skill that they know will help them get to dialogue in a current crucial conversation.
  • others focus less on skills and more on principles.
• two high-leverage ways of getting started with increasing your capacity to get to dialogue by becoming more conscious of these two key principles.
  1. Learn to Look
     • people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue.
       • They may not know exactly how to fix the specific problem they’re facing, but they do know that if they’re not in dialogue, it can’t be good.
       • And then they try something to get back to dialogue.
       • As it turns out, trying something is better than doing nothing.
     • Many people get additional help in learning to look from their friends.
       • As they share concepts and ideas, they learn a common vocabulary.
       • This shared way of talking about crucial conversations helps people change.
     • Perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation is with the expression, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.”
       • This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe.
  2. Make It Safe
     • When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. Anything.
     • If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you’ll intuitively do something that helps.
     • virtually every skill we’ve covered in this book, from Contrasting to Priming, offers a tool for building safety.

• it is possible to be both candid and respectful with the right set of skills.
• Knowledge of Crucial Conversations skills helped me turn an intimidating experience into a memorable and meaningful opportunity to stand up for something I believed in.

• identify crucial moments
  • moments when people’s actions disproportionately affect their organizations, their relationships, and their lives
  • The current quality of your leadership and your life is fundamentally a function of how you are presently handling these moments.
• Our sole motivation in writing this book has been to help you profoundly improve the results you care about most.
  • Take action.
  • Identify a crucial conversation you could improve now.
  • Use the tools in this last chapter to identify the principle or skill that will help you approach it in a more effective way than you ever have.
  • Then give it a try.
• you need not be perfect to make progress.

1. We teach that “when it matters most, we often do our worst.” I’ve learned that sometimes when it hardly matters at all, we can do our worst.
2. We have to find and ask the right question to get the right solution.
3. Crucial conversations belong to the first person to see them. I don’t solve the issues; I just make sure they are brought up in a safe way.
4. There are a lot of people who are teaching me new lessons about crucial conversations.

• I have become more and more aware of
  1. how true emotions can feel during crucial moments
  2. how false they really are
• how much these emotions can corrupt my view of those closest to me
  • When I am in the grip of Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories, when my motives degenerate and I am driven by a desperate need to be right—I don’t see others as they really are.
  • Even my precious son can look like a monster.
• Our emotions are incredibly plastic.
  • In crucial moments they are almost always wrong.
  • With practice, we can gain incredible power to change them.
  • And as we change them, not only do we learn to change how we see those around us, but we learn to change our very lives as well.

• If you do everything we tell you to do in this book, exactly the way we tell you to do it, and the other person doesn’t want to dialogue, dialogue will not take place.
  • The other person has the ability to choose how to respond to your efforts.
  • These skills are not techniques for controlling others; they are not tools for manipulating behavior or eliminating others’ agency.
  • These skills have limits and do not guarantee that other people will behave in exactly the way you desire.
• The title of the book is Crucial Conversations; “conversations” is plural, meaning many, not one.
  • The temptation is to think of a crucial conversation as “my one chance to solve this problem” or as “the one conversation needed to save a relationship” or as “the one opportunity to make everything right.”
  • See the single crucial conversation as the beginning of a dialogue
    • the first step toward making a negative relationship positive,
    • the first of many steps necessary to right a wrong
  • Seek to have not just a conversation based on Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect, but rather a rich relationship based on these conditions
  • To see these principles and skills as ways of building relationships, teams, and families over time is to take a longer-term perspective.
  • The wisest use of these skills is to develop habits, lives, and loves, not to use them just occasionally in single interactions.
  • Consistently applied principles can have a strong influence over time.
• If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn’t want to dialogue, you won’t get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.